The Lowdown: Koffmann & Vines

The names sound familiar…​
Yes. Dining out’s most tenacious twosome Pierre Koffmann and Richard Vines - think Grumpy Old Men’s Walter Matthau meets Ab Fab’s Patsy and Edina (individual dress sense, always seen with a glass of champagne in hand) – are putting their vast eating, drinking and, in Pierre’s case, cooking experience to good use with their new restaurant review website​​.

They make a formidable pair. Should restaurants be worried?​
Thankfully not. The duo say their aim with the website is ‘to be supportive of the hospitality industry in a critical way, promoting good cooking and good restaurants’, so there’ll be no chef or restaurateur bashing here. Restaurants will be rated with one to four ‘disques’ - one for a good restaurant; two for a very good restaurant; three for an excellent establishment and four for a place judged to be outstanding.

How will it work?​
With a deserved reputation as one of the UK’s greatest chefs, Pierre will be opining on the cooking, while both he and Richard will assess other aspects such as service and ambience (Richard will no doubt put his oenological experience to good use). As a writer and broadcaster with more than 40 years’ experience, including 25 years at Bloomberg as chief food critic, Richard will be in charge of the prose, but the final review will always be a joint voice they promise.

Hang on, but aren’t they friends with a lot of chefs?​
Well yes, there is that. This is something that the pair have acknowledged, and they say they will ‘try to avoid bigging up our mates’. To this end they shall book anonymously, although any restaurant that doesn’t spot this particular duo coming a mile off deserves all it gets (see main picture as proof).

So, no review of Bob Bob Ricard City is forthcoming then?​
You’d think not given that the recently revamped restaurant sports an specially commissioned American Gothic-esque portrait of the pair on its walls. But that doesn’t mean they are going to ignore long-time acquaintances altogether – their first review is of Russell Norman’s newly opened Brutto in Clerkenwell, and EVERYONE knows Russell. Forthcoming restaurants that will be reviewed will include Maison François, Akoko, 7 Saints and Oslo Court, with plans to review places outside of London in due course.

Interesting. So how did it fare?​
The one-disque review is broadly positive but there are excerpts that show they are not afraid to sharpen their knives when called upon, with a description of the roast potatoes that ‘taste like they’ve spent too much time hanging out with their mates before reaching the dining room’. In the interest of balance, the pair also ate numerous dishes at Brutto that were delicious, concluding: ‘We’d recommend you treat Brutto like a loaf straight from the oven: Enjoy it while it’s hot.’

Move over Jay Rayner​
Steady there. Koffmann & Vines is described as a humble endeavour and the pair say they are not going to compete with the ‘big-beast professional reviewers’. All this might change though if, in years to come, chefs are clamouring for a four-disque rating over a certain three-star one…